I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
two words...techno handjob
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
