Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
