Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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