We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
