Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
