She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I think my moral compass just broke
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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