if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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