My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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