I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
