I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
