Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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