6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
