call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
