I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
