weddingsv make me drug and hornr
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
