She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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