I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
