I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
