U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
