I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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