I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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