you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
