Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
