I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
