All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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