Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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