I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
