saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
