she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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