A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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