You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
