she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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