listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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