If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
