He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
