Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
