Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
