I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
