i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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