I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
