My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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