I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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