I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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