Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
