I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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