i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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