I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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