She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
