Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
