She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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