Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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