sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she told me i tasted like america
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
