I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Randomize
