it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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